Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
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HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?