GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
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DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already