i need a six-month vacation twice a year
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Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
No, he would not have.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
my nickname in college
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.