Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
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I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
i smell a pulitzer
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
The dark side of Canada
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
and now we wait
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!