At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
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ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!