I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
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HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Gods work.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits