My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
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This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
can’t bark with your mouth full
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!