[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
You Might Also Like
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Spa day..😅
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Shortcut
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
it was love at first sight
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM