If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
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Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.