You Might Also Like
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
When he asks for feet pics
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Rt to bother an English speaker
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
These are my roll models.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.