I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
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“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it