I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
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[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
scared to check what name she chose
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Mike Tyson’s apartment building