When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
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If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
What number SPF blocks people?
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)