My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
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*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
monday
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
There are no pants in heaven.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.