This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
🤯🤯🤯
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
S/o to @funTweeters .