I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
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do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT