Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
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FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”