Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
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{Outside burning building}
HER: Don鈥檛 be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, 鈥渢he Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn鈥檛 sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don鈥檛 sound like that.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
no such thing as a dumb question
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
BEACH BOYS: 馃幎 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 馃
We didn鈥檛 clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I鈥檝e been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I can also cook 馃槀
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I watered my garden and then it rained so I鈥檇 like a refund please
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can鈥檛 skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
me: you hear old macdonald鈥檚 farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids