I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.