What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
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Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.