I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
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My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
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Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.