Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
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When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings