Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
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[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table