I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
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Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.