United Steaks of America
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Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.