Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
You Might Also Like
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow