Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
You Might Also Like
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.