And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
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Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
based al yankovic
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”