My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
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Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Bike for sale
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Bringing home a sharpie
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.