INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
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Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I have so many questions.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
honestly, i need both:
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.