These are my emotional support Pringles.
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Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Muppet Screams
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
they split up moments later
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
He wanted to make sure😂
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
be careful
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*