Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
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So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
A dead goose is called a ghoost
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.