Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
You Might Also Like
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Worst bar ever.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.