[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
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coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders