If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
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No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
*exercises sarcastically*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.