Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
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My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.