Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
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When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
So glad we cleared that up
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
how to have an accident 101
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
become ungovernable
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for