Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
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What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”