it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
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I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.