Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
You Might Also Like
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.