I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
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“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Customer is always right
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
shut up and take my money
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
#SCOTUS one-star review
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.