Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
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masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.