Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
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[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
You had me at “define legal”.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.