i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
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Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender