How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
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I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)