being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
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I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”