Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
You Might Also Like
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes