I can’t stop watching this.
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BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.