Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
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[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
no one ever comes back
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.