(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
You Might Also Like
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.